Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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