why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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