I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Randomize
