i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
