I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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