think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
