I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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