i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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