His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
