She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
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She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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