I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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