Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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