Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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