Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
