Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
