in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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