Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
