Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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