if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
