THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
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He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
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i'm high and self actualising, please send help
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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