you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
