I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
