My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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