I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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