Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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