I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
