ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
