And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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