While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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