I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?