Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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