In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
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woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
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3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.