Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"