he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave