Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
