Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
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You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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