I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
