this beer tastes like vomit already
operation have a gay friend backfired
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
