I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
