she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
