mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
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