I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
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