so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
