and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
