billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
