There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
