There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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