I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
