Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
