Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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