My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
