so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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