i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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