I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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