oh god the rape fog is back!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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